Whining and Halucinations

where are you

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 05:10:01 GMT

I miss the kate i loved in new york. How messed up is that. it's like every moment since then has been one horrible reminder of how poorly I make decisions. I really think that I shouldn't be allowed to date without psychiatric counseling.

Mike

Monkies in the middle

Fri, 18 May 2007 23:29:09 GMT

I'm bored and everyone I know in Gainesville (all like 3 people) are gone for the weekend or working.

So my plans involve lots of TV, movies and job seeking. WEEE.

ermmm
yeah

life

Mike

The thing about insomnia

Wed, 16 May 2007 02:04:51 GMT

Is when you have a bad day, it lasts forever.

Been having a lot of waking nightmares. The kind where you open your eyes and start to wake, but are still in a dream enough that the world is wrong. So it's sort of like being in a nightmare, but becuase you are starting to wake your body is still to asleep to move. That doesn't make sence. Your body is asleep, your mind is dreaming, but you are totally aware of yourself lieing in the bed.

btw, I'm back in the Gainesvilles.

life
mike

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 07:13:22 GMT

im moving back to florida in less than a week.

that is my news.

In other news my job drove me to start drinking. huzzah. I also, as ever, find myself far more afraide of myself than anything else in the world. No one can fuck me up as badly as me. No one can fuck others up as badly as me.

I'm looking forward to the move and mostly just hoping that I can stay good.

life

mike

an odd occurence

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 03:57:36 GMT

walking into my room (i had the lights off int he room and it was only lit by the tv and a light on around another corner.

SOOOO as I was saying as i walked into my room i stepped on something furry that quickly darted forward before my foot crushed it. I looked down and saw a quick flash of it moving forward.

My first thought was that it was one of the cats. but then i realised a few things. 1. It's fur was the wrong consistincy, if felt more like soft human hair than the coarser hair of my moms cats. 2. if it had been the cats, they would have squeeled as I know from past experiance. 3. I turned on the lgiht and both the cats were not in my room, they were in fact in the family room.

This may have been my first ever . . . . whats it called when you halucinate a phsyical sensation?

its akward for me ebcuase I've been doign great with almost nothing for a good bit now. And then out of nowhere this . . . pretty extreme delusion.

I'm pretty sure it was that weird rotting animal that i saw starring at me awhile back, the irrational part of my brain thinks it was trying to trip me. i have to keep looking to myseide wher ei saw it starring at me one time, i'm half expecting to see it there.

Life

Mike

update

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 04:19:26 GMT

So the job is aperntly not in atlanta any more, not it is in Dallas.

As for an explantaion I want to blow my head off at my current job and I havent had even a nibble at other journalism jobs in over a year.

So I decided to go corporate and attempt to make a bajillion dollars.

anyone want to be in my harem now?

Life

Mike

Atlanta

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 05:09:47 GMT

I may be moving to atlanta to work in the corporate world doing sales.

Mike

I tried to write

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 05:15:36 GMT

and failed. but foa specific reason. opening up that part of me, working on creating words, people, worlds, whatever. It opened upt he part of my mind that feeds the halucinations. Within moments I could feel them behind me in my dark room watching, curious, slightly malevolent.

this intrigues and upsets me. I can deal witht he lurkers. I can deal witht he halucinations. I can deal with the insomnia. No biggie.

I can not, however, go to work without sleeping.

I also wonder if the lurkers connectiont o my creativity means anything from a philisophical or psychological stand point.

I want to write a story

fuck I have to stop writing this. Their is something hebind my bed, I can feel it so strongly that I want to scream. I even hear it a tad. A creak of the bd, a scuffle on the floor just behind the bed where i cant see. I can even point to the exact spot behind the bed that it's crouching.

bluh, even writing about the problem with my writing is opening that part of me.

or maybe it's jsut the stress and my lack of sleep from it.

I am going to have to sleep with a light on tonight.

life

mike

I am just a conduit

Sat, 01 Apr 2006 07:51:22 GMT

I feel something trying to push it's way out of me. not literally. It's like there is somethign stuck inside me and it wants to come out, something pushed and hidden so well even I don't know where it went.

In Hitchhikers guide, Zaphod discors that someone has destroyed or sectioned off part of his brain. He is abhorred and terrified and then sees that the fucker left there initials and realises that he did it. He section some part of him off. I feel like that. I don't know if I did it, but soemthing of mine is screaming for me to find it.

-tonight

I'm a bit annoyed about tonight. mostly at myself but also at her. Why do I do this to myself an others. Not that it matters. i doubt I could grown the back bone to ask the cute girl to play.

-my brain

is stronger. I don't know when it started but my confidence in my snap decisions is growing. I also seem to be disolving that pesky 1 on 1 barrier I've had.

I started anouncing what I knew a few weeks ago. I just had the urge. I keep being right. Not just in my head. But i'm starting to pick up specficis

Ignore me, i tired and confused.

life

mike

Death to billy

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 23:00:15 GMT

I had a small episode last night. It was a sort of strange one, not really in that it was probably my biggest episode in many largely episode free months, but it was a new variation on an old hallucination.

It was a small one. Not a lurker not a bug. Typically I think I see something small, the size of a cat, but it’s vague and indistinct. Sort of like if a small animal running through your vision so fast that you only saw a blur.

Last night I looked down from my chair, to the right, and there on the floor amid my tossed-about clothing was a small furry animal looking up at me. I couldn’t quite tell you what is was, except that it was sinister and degrading. It was definitely a four-legged mammal, the size of a small cat. Its’ fur though was rotting. Like something dug up out of the ground after only partially decomposing. Seeing it in such detail alone would have been enough to freak me out, but it wasn’t the appearance as much as the fact that it was staring at me and I could sense intelligence within it and that it was thinking about me. The sensation was unpleasant. Then it was gone like a cheesy horror movie monster.

Well of course, I entered a slight downward spiral and had the “I’m being watched” sensation all night long. At one point I became sure (while realizing of course that I was being delusional) that the “thing” watching me was no t a lurker or little rotting thing, but the spirit of an elderly man. I actually became a little embarrassed that I was sleeping naked and there might be a ghost watching me.

Bluh

Life,
Mike

I was starting to seriously consider that i would never make another entry like this

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 07:01:19 GMT

Last night for the first time in . . . I dunno 6 months, I was lyeing in bed and suddenly felt very nervous. I had to get up and turn on the lights, give my room a quick inspection, then get the tv changer to put in my bed so that i could have a quick source of light if need be.

And tonight I feel eyes on me, two or three pairs maybe, from my closet. I will have to close the closet doors before I go to bed.

I found myself thinking of courtney during lunch and her saying htat i should see what happened if i just compeltly gave in to them, tried to wholly beleive in the reality that it was all real.

Those thoughts are not good ones.

I'm in pretty good spirits other wise. I have begun to date a young lady. I don't think it's incredibly serious but I think it will be fun. Most importantly it means I am gettin me some.

Life

Mike

yay for parties

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 17:43:56 GMT

i hung out with cool people yesterday!!

WEEEEEEEEEEEE

life

Mike

i switched dimensions

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 23:01:32 GMT

Today I was reading my book and lost 40 minutes. Well not lost, just zoned, and when i came to I was confused and disorientated. It reminded me of christina saying that sometimes when she took naps in the afternoon she woke up in other dimensions.

It gave me a story idea though.

About people who stop realising that reality is real and accidently push through the barriers of our reality.

i think it will be a comedy. and i want to give it a whimsical title like "dimension ugly" that feeling you get when you wake up in the morning and see the dimension you accidently slept in and gnaw your arm off to get out of.

or something

life

Mike

BIRTHDAYS!!!!!

Wed, 01 Feb 2006 23:15:24 GMT

in no particular order,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISTINA

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIMMMI

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICK

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NINJA AUSTIN

yeah

Mike

my day

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 06:04:46 GMT

the bad: migraine

the good: went out to a meeting of . . . well let's call them like minded people. For those of you who are aware of the sort of relationships I like to be in you will get the jist of this groups porpose.

YAY it was fun and i pmet people and i got invited to a party!!!!!!!!!!!!

more bad:

this is a continuing tale of mike's dental saga

a few weeks ago I got the first part of a crown done. They basically trill off a large part of your tooth and leave just a little tiny nub of it sticking out. Then they take impressions and make a crown that fits onto the nub ., . . . like a crown (think leggos and my tooth is the little lump that sticks out the top)

they put a "temporary" crown on and send the molds to a lab and the lab makes the crown.

so besides it sucking, all went well.

Well on friday I went in to get the crown put on. they novacaine me, remove the temp, clean the tooth (ouch) put the new permanent crown on . . . and it doesn't fit. so they schedule me in for an emergency friday session 1 week away, take more impressions, and stick the temp back on and send me off.

tonight the temp came off.

I stuck it back on. But let me explain. I have sensative teeth, espcially that tooth. basically I have a giant tooth root and now, thanks to the cutting away, have just a tiny bit of tooth protecting it. and here I am sliding this cap on and off it, rubbing it this way and that.

it hurts

*cry*

life

Mike

bored

Sat, 21 Jan 2006 04:29:15 GMT

oh
my
god
bored
so
bored

It's friday night and im sitting in my computer chair.

bluh.

I really need to figure out how to meet people.

I wrote a hiaku at work the other day. it is not a good Haiku.

Let me start by pointing out that while I understand the idea behind a haiku, I do not understand sylables. I don't understand how to determine sylables or judge them. SO i just sort of guess how many syllables things have. in retrospect, without this knowledge Haikus are probably not what I should try to do.

here it is

I sit and wait
for work to come
it does not

huzzah for incorrect haikus

I'm much better at limericks.

Mike's night was such a bore,
and he couldn't take it one minute more,
so he decided to find a stripper,
and a twenty with which to tip her,
and headed out the door.

haha

someone entertain me

Life

Mike

despite what you have heard

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 08:13:19 GMT

I can be a really horrible person at times.

one of my girlfriends used to always tell me that I was a fire sign and that meant that I created and destroyed.

Looking back though, I have only left a path of destruction behind me.

it makes me terrafied of the nice girls, of how I'm going to affect them.

I have seen it before.

If I am fire then everyone else is a moth.

and I'm trying sooooo hard to be good. I keep finding myself wanting to just ignore my better intentions. It would be so easy just to give in. but I know what would do to her.

Mike, great guy to know, but i wouldn't want to get close to him.

Life

Mike

eh

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 22:40:30 GMT

So my dad is in town.

I must get out!

I am goign to go for a walk later I think.

While this may sound fun remember that it is in fact colder than jesus before you add in the wind chill.

its below freezing

so a walk would be cold

i must consider

Life

Mike

lesbian vampires who fight nazi's

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 08:06:01 GMT

For some reason, probbaly my reidiculous love of bad movies and video game movies, shanee and I decided to go see "bloodrayne" For those of you that were not around for my girlish squeels of delight when I played this game, i shall explain. Bloodrayne, a half-vampire runs around barely dressed killing nazi's for the US goverment. it's a very violent bloody game with much blood sucking and head cutting offing.

the movie was bad.

I don't mean anacondas 2 bad, I don't even mean street fighter bad, I'm talking about crap: the movie, bad.

shanee leaves toamrow and I have nothing to do!!!!

I also have finished brain-storming a lurker-movie.

I really like it and am goign to kick myself in the face if I don't start writing it soon.

It's sort of blair witch project meets lurkers meets awesome.

yeah

life

Mike

today

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 22:48:24 GMT

I have the odd feeling tha ttonight will be interesting.

And i wonder if leaving my phone at work will eclipse this.

hmmmm

Life

Mike

my brother

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 22:37:55 GMT

So, for thos eof you that don't know Matt has come to my apt to celebrate new years eve in the city.

I did know that he would be bringing 2 friends.

i did not know that he would be brining 10 frat brothers with him.

Imagine a dump.

That is what I live in at the moment.

their must be 100 beer cans aroudnt he house, glasses spilled and laying all over, a broken toilet, etc etc etc.

i can barely step outside my room without stepping in grabage.

Oh and they ate ALL, let me reemphasize, ALL my food.

Now I know what you are saying, Mike, why did you let him into your apartment. And I say to you, remember it is not my apartment and I do not get to control who the owners let in.

annoyance.

but he's getting in trouble becuase of all the noise complaints, the condo association is fining the owners.

SO HA, I have already spoken with them and they told me where to find a hard ware store to go buy the tools to fix the toilet (yes I know what your thinking, but as it happens just becuase I am lazy does not mean I don't know some basic home repair) and that he won't be allowed to stay here any more.

so Yay.

Life

Mike

stuff

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 05:11:20 GMT

Welllll my new years eve was lame but whatever. Mostly becuase I am shy.

Yes mike, the raving extrovert somehow manages to be shy.

In other news I am under 200 pounds!.

196 bitches!.

not that I was trying to lose weight, But it is still neet to A. easily see my penis (ohhhh I mental image powned you) and B. drop 30 pounds in 2 months, the last 20 of which being in the past 2 weeks.

Though now I feel an urge to go to the dotor for the ole thyroid check.

maybe it's just new englang poisoning me.

Actaully the diet is easy.

i call it the health food diet.

See I buy health food that I don't want to eat. So I starve.

Well actaully I drink a lot of diet coke and eat bread instead.

I need to learn to cook

Life

Mike

Let us all celebrate

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 17:17:14 GMT

jesus day
and such

huggles for thuggles

Mike

on why make hates teeth

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 22:05:57 GMT

I had a filling come loose and went ot hte dentist.

they pulled more loose chunks off and scheduled an "emergency" capping for tomarow morning. I am going to get capped apperntly.

thats not that bad thought it does come wiht a $440 price tag and I have a GIANT hole in my tooth.

then they say "oh yeah and we have to do a scraping and root planing to deal with your gums.

gums? what gum problem?

ignores me and goes on tlaking about scheduling.

finally they mumble soemthing about haveing macteria below the gum line and i need this NEW and EXPENSIVE and might I qoute "timely, bloody and unfortunitly painful" procedure. two sessions of three hours in length where they will peel my gum away from the tooth.

now basically I think it's a scam. They are trying to claim that its something almost every adult deals with, yet why have I never heard of this quite horrible sounding thing.

I lack trust and shalt research.

life

Mike

On why make hates the TWU

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 22:02:01 GMT

So today the transit workers striked . .. strook . . . what the hell is the past-tense of that word.

No busses. No Subways. work is a 45 minute walk.

Now I know what you are thinking which is "Mike, stop your bitching, you have a job and can afford a cab and you have an extra 10 pounds you could afford to walk off"

I agree completly except for 2 things.

1. It is fucking cold. I don't just mean its a tad nippy or wow thats a chilly wind. I am talking about 20-40 degrees IN THE DAY TIME with 5-12 wind chill.

WHile this isn't allt hat godawful, I can walk int eh cold. The danger is rain. If it is 33 or warmer and it rains I will die. Imagine 45 minutes, in pouring 38 degree rain.

I mean if a cold shower is a temporary cure to arousal, then what the hell would 45 minutes of a freezing shower due? I might not be horny for months!!!

2. I don't have a car and taxi's are taking on multiple fairs. That means that if I get in a taxi for a 5 minute drive, it could end up being over an hour as we go through traffic dropping an dpicking up an increasing number of fairs.

Also since taxis are now so neccesary it is impossible to get one, during my 45 minute walk I did not see one available taxi.

Also keep in mind that this makes doign thigns in the city difficult.

Hey wanna hang out? ok I will just walk the 50 minute walk to your apartment, then we will walk to the movies then I will walk home at damn 2 am in the freezing night for 50 minutes trying not to get raped by the bum mumbling about jesus, donkies and monkies.

bleee

life

Mike